u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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