My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
