can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
