Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
