3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
