just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
