The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
