if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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