Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
