He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
