i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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