hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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