Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
