we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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