ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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