Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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