why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
