And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
