how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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