When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
