you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
