I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
