My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
