if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
