my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
