I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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