Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
