this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
