Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
