a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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