The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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