I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
