Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
