This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
