I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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