Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
