she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
