Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize