kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
