he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
