I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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