I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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