Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
