i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want a musical about memes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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