so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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