On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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