is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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