the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
