I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
bring money and cleavage
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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