I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
