Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize