I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
