well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
