Will you blow on my dice?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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