i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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