I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
